When a Friend Falls

I make things so complicated sometimes. I make my own life lose its simplicity. I'm good at that. My head is full of bullshit about things that are untrue about myself and its killing me. But having someone you care about making it worse...I just can't handle it all the time.

I'm usually the one who forgives everyone all the time. I can't keep grudges. I'm being stepped on, beated verbally, and manipulated because I care too much about them and not enough about me. Its always the other person. But I deserve no pity, because I brought it all to myself.

I have that friend...that friend that I can't let go. Also as a family member,its even harder. But damn, how I can be so stupid sometimes. I know that they (that friend) lie so much, complete and utter bullshit. And yet I forgive and move on in silence because I know that they don't have a normal brain. Does it excuse them? I really wonder sometimes.

Its like when a retarded person kills someone....does their madness excuse their act? Oh, because they are retarded? No. I really don't believe so. But when its someone you know personally,...its so....different. Iactually am not sure how to react most of the time. Obviously, its not a question of murder, but lately they said they had taken drugs.

Sigh. What was I supposed to do really? I have a choice right? they do too. Its their life and if that friend wants to take drugs, drink alcohol, and fuck a thousand souls, its their choice. Right? What about me then. I have a choice too. I can choose to not be friends with someone like that. I, also, have that choice.

Since my mind is so weak lately, I should protect it and stay away from this. But then comes the "please forgive me", and I can't. I feel like I just can't not forgive. Is this wrong? Am I being naive?

So many questions, and yet no answers.

I forgave them again. But I need to set boundaries. I guess its the best I can do for now. If they cross my limit, I have a good reason to not forgive them the next time right? I gave that friend a warning so its not like I'm being selfish....or so I hope.


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Miakoda ✿